I mentioned a while ago that I was going to start substitute teaching. Well, this week was my first two jobs. On Wednesday, I subbed for a kindergarten teacher who had to take her kids to the doctor for an afternoon, and on Thursday I unexpectedly ended up teaching 4th grade all day. I was supposed to teach a subject matter class, but they needed someone to cover one of the main teacher’s classes, so I agreed. 

The thing I took away from these experiences is that I hate feeling out of control. And working with these kids was nothing but feeling out of control. I walked into an environment I didn’t know, trying to execute a plan I didn’t understand with people who I didn’t know and who didn’t know me, and more importantly, didn’t respect me. It was like my worst nightmare. 

See, for me, being in control is not just something that I like, it’s an absolute necessity for survival. I have bipolar disorder, and it went undiagnosed for more than half of my life. My own mind and emotions were not just out of control, but almost literally uncontrollable. It took me tens of thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of hard, emotionally draining work to get control. And I am very good at maintaining that control. Between Alan and I, I am the level headed one. I am the one that is calm, cool and collected, who thinks things through and doesn’t make impulsive moves. So feeling out of control these days is horrifying, even more so because of its rarity.

And yet that is exactly what poverty does. Poverty kicks out the things that support a person’s life. It removes their ability to control the choices they are able to make. It leaves them in the wind, trying desperately to get by however they can without knowing what disaster the next moment is going to bring. Because without any way to prepare, even little things become a disaster. All it takes is one thing to go wrong and it can cause a chain reaction where the whole thing falls apart around you, just like my teaching jobs. One kid pushing someone by accident, or an unexpected flat tire and suddenly your whole world is in a tailspin. 

I never quite understood the helplessness that went along with poverty until walking into that kindergarten class and having to deal with 25+ kids all by myself with almost no training. It really drove home the panic and despair that a lack of control can bring. That’s why at $0$, we do what we can to bring a little bit of control back into people’s lives.